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Don’t Let Them Break You

. It’s always a pleasure to have you here. Today, we’re diving into a reality many of us face but few of us fully understand. Some people, for reasons that seem unfathomable, dedicate their lives to breaking others down. Their actions, though deliberate, often defy explanation when your own mind doesn’t operate in the same way. You might search for reasons or justifications, but often, their behavior leaves you feeling drained and questioning your worth.

Before we begin, take a moment to center yourself. If you’re seated, find a comfortable position. If you’re out walking, look for a quiet patch of grass or a bench where you can pause. When you’re ready, close your eyes if you can and bring your focus to your breath. Feel the gentle rhythm of your inhales and exhales, the natural ebb and flow of life itself. Let your breath anchor you to this moment.

Now, let’s talk about something we’re hearing more and more about: narcissism and gaslighting. While these terms are prevalent on social media today, narcissism as a clinical disorder is incredibly rare. But that doesn’t mean narcissistic behaviors are uncommon. To truly understand these concepts, we need to explore their origins and the impact they have on relationships and well-being.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at California State University, is one of the leading voices on narcissism and gaslighting. Her research, which began in 2004, delved into the toll antagonistic patients took on healthcare professionals. Simultaneously, she noticed a growing number of her therapy clients describing relationships with partners who exhibited similar behaviors.

When Dr. Durvasula began explaining narcissistic traits and gaslighting to her clients, it was as if a fog lifted. People realized they weren’t “crazy.” They were dealing with someone whose behavior was rooted in a lack of conventional emotional reasoning—someone they couldn’t fix no matter how hard they tried. This knowledge alone often brought relief and clarity, helping them regain control of their lives.

Science confirms what many of us have felt: narcissism is closely linked with aggression and even violence. In his book Behave, Robert Sapolsky explores the evolutionary roots of aggressive behavior. Historically, groups that relied on herding livestock—easily stolen, mobile resources—exhibited higher levels of antagonism than those who cultivated crops. It was a survival mechanism.

Throughout history, we’ve celebrated figures like Genghis Khan, Winston Churchill, and Christopher Columbus, despite their often ruthless, aggressive actions. These individuals were admired for their achievements, even as their darker behaviors went unexamined. Narcissism, in a way, has always been part of human history. However, modern psychology has given us the tools and language to recognize and define it more clearly.

Narcissism is a baseline personality trait, much like introversion or diligence. It’s not something that can be “cured” or fundamentally altered. While behaviors can be adjusted, the core of who someone is remains consistent. Understanding this is crucial, as it helps us recognize that the toxic dynamics in relationships with narcissists are not our fault, nor are they within our control to fix.

So how does narcissism develop? Often, it’s tied to early childhood experiences. Children raised in homes filled with aggression or neglect may grow up resentful and socially anxious. Conversely, children who are excessively praised and made to feel “special” may develop a sense of entitlement and grandiosity. Both paths can lead to narcissism in adulthood.

Narcissists are incredibly skilled at manipulation. They are charming, attentive, and seemingly generous at first, creating a dynamic where their partners feel lucky to have them. By the time the red flags emerge—gaslighting, deceit, and emotional abuse—their victims are often desperate to return to the “good times” that initially drew them in. This cycle makes it painfully difficult to walk away.

Most people we encounter in life are good people having bad days. But every so often, we meet someone who thrives on antagonism. If you’ve grown up with a narcissistic parent, you may be more likely to fall into similar dynamics in adulthood—unless you take the time to heal those wounds.

Here’s the hard truth: you cannot change a narcissist. Psychologists emphasize this repeatedly, and countless individuals have spent years, even decades, trying to fix someone who refuses to acknowledge their own flaws.

So, what can you do? Protect yourself.

Set boundaries. Create clear barriers between yourself and the narcissist. Slow things down if the relationship feels like it’s moving too fast.

Disengage. If it’s a colleague, avoid interactions when possible. Don’t give them the fuel they thrive on—your emotional reaction.

Limit contact. If it’s a family member, prepare yourself mentally before spending time with them. Set a limit on how much energy you’re willing to invest, and don’t hesitate to leave when you’ve reached your threshold.

It’s tempting to hope that therapy or self-reflection might change a narcissist, but the very nature of narcissism makes that unlikely. True change requires acknowledging flaws and taking responsibility, which is nearly impossible for someone with a deeply narcissistic personality.

At the end of the day, your well-being comes first. Don’t let them break you. Your energy, your peace, and your self-worth are too precious to sacrifice. Stand firm, protect yourself, and remember—you are not alone.

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